Thoughts from ME

It's October. It's midterms at medical school. And I need to focus and study and I do but I'm also distracted. Because it's October. And while I need to be concerned with the anatomy of the arm and the forearm and the hand, as well as neuroanatomy, fertilization and gametogensesis, blood coagulation and cascades of factors, connective tissue, baroreflexes, serotonin, renin, angiotensin, and a million other things I don't know -  instead I'm thinking about my brother, David.  Because here's the truth about suicide: it never ends. The effects never go away. The hurt hardly dims. The grief is tangible and still brings me to my knees.  And so I try to love October. Because the air is crisp. And sweaters are my favorite. And pumpkin spice. And hot chocolate. And David. Because if he were here he would be loving October.  Hello October. Hello trying not to fail my midterms (because I have been here before - I failed the midterms that happened the w

After a very long road trip with one of my best friends (love you Kirsten!), I spent several days getting to know my new home. Things I hate about Yakima, WA: Where are my MOUNTAINS?! The homeless people hanging out at gas stations It took me awhile to find a grocery store I felt comfortable shopping at (These are things I never had to really think about before. I suppose when I moved to Idaho for my undergrad I spent some brain power deciding where I would get gas and where I would do my shopping but it seemed like all my choices were good ones - and they had a Maverik.) There is no Maverik The money it takes to set up your kitchen! I completely forgot about this. I haven't had to buy basics like SALT since 2007 when I started my undergrad, (Seriously, those large things of salt last ages.) I'm so far from my family. (Although, I will share that I haven't struggled with this as much as I thought I would and I count that as a real blessing. The only time I've

 As my time as a non-medical student draws to a close, I have been going through my things. I have a lot of paperwork and other crap generally every where. I've come across some treasures though. My grandmother on my dad's side is a huge scrapbooker. When all of her granddaughters were young she got each of them a box of scrapbooking material. I recently cleaned out boxes from my mother's house as she is preparing to move houses. In one of the boxes I found my scrapbooking box. Inside it were old photos. I looked through them more thoroughly today and came across pictures of each of my siblings when I was in high school. I even have one of my brother who passed away last year. I cried for a bit at that. The picture was taken when he was a teenager and though troubled he did not suffer from the schizophrenia that would later lead him to take his life. David and Kirsten Snell - about 2000?  I also found an old journal. As an uncommitted journal-writer, the journal s

Lately I have been on this kick to really eat healthy. I'm lactose intolerant but mostly ignored this while in college. Recently, I decided to be tired of feeling sick most of the time so I took charge of my life *Ha* and am trying to eliminate dairy from my diet. This is actually incredibly hard. I never realized how much dairy I ate until I tried to cut it all out! Luckily, I've discovered lactose free milk which is a big hit for me *Yay!* Also, I've discovered quinoa - which I love! The secret to quinoa, for those of you who don't know, is that you have to wash it first. A type of seed, quinoa naturally is coated with a bitter kind of coating that deters birds and other things from eating it. So before you can cook it, it needs to be rinsed and rinsed well. This is a pain if you don't have a strainer with small enough holes that the tiny power seed (considered a grain though it's not) can't slip through. The way I do this is by putting the desired amo

Seeing:  the bright sun shine on Aunt K’s piano, sleeping old cats, comfort Making:  sure I am trying to be my best self every new day Cooking:  brown rice – yum! For dinner: brown rice and stir fry veggies -  yum Drinking:  H 2 O – because I don’t drink enough of it and I’m trying to sugar purge (wish me luck ;) Reading:  do you follow me on Goodreads? On my “currently reading” bookshelf are eight books . Apparently I’m having a hard time of it on settling in and reading just one at a time. I’ve always sort of been like that. It’s because they are different genres. If I’m reading a fantasy novel I also have to be reading something intellectual. Unless, of course, on those rare occasions, I have picked up a fantasy that is intellectual enough to satisfy. In which case, I have to also be reading a non-fiction book or some such. Hearing:  my new running playlist. My dear friend Christy turned me on to some new bands which I am enjoying too loudly on my aunt’s speakers. Curren

One year. It's been one year since I lost my older brother David. I've been pretty ill for the last few days and honestly that's been a hidden blessing. Between being ill and working I haven't had too much time to wallow in missing him. In the year since we lost him, a lot has happened in my family. My little sister finished a year of college and started her mission papers. My brother finished law school and got a job. My older sister is expecting her second child. My other brother has almost finished a year tour for the military. I took the MCAT, got into medical school, and graduated from college. Pretty amazing things actually when you stop for a moment and look at them. I'm sure there are plenty things I am forgetting. It is part of the human condition to have a shifty memory after all. On my really bad days I am a doubting Thomas. On my excellent days, I feel him close to me. Both are important I think. For they make up who I am.

Post graduation update for you lovelies. I really miss being a student! Surprise ;) Just kidding, about the surprise part, not the missing school part. I am grateful I have chosen for a career something that will require me to be a student all my life. I've been working at a residential treatment facility for troubled teen girls. It's a bit crazy. And overwhelming, humbling, and occasionally really awesome as well as rewarding. I work full time and my schedule is a bit crazy which is difficult for me but is excellent practice for my internship and residency years - This is what I tell myself to lower my anger levels at not getting the sleep I want to get when I want it. You don't realize that college is actually a pretty sweet set up really. I've been frustrated though. I live at home and we live in a country town and I don't know anyone here that is even remotely close to my age. I've found myself getting pretty moody about this lately and I realized I need